I Am Not Remotely Depressed, But These Ramblings Would Have You Believe Otherwise.

At some point, I will not remember this moment.

I am listening to the construction workers outside. They are using tools I cannot name. I peeked out of the window and a man in a white hat smiled at me. He was holding a tool I cannot name. I smiled back and closed the blinds.

The balcony will be finished soon and I will get to view the results for the next ten months at least, but I may or may not remember what it felt like to sit in an empty apartment and listen to feet stomping loudly across the balcony floor as crumbling wood was ripped from its foundation and thrown to the ground below. Most of my day has been spent sprawled out in various locations around the apartment with a book. The stairs leading up to the apartment are also being refinished, and the note on the door that says I cannot use my steps today (NO EXCEPTIONS!) keeps me sealed behind our freshly painted green door.

The second night in my apartment was spent trapped on my top bunk, writing a blog in my head that I think I knew would never get published. It takes me a very long time to fall asleep, but I never remember the moment I finally do not have to be awake anymore.

I was reminded that night of my first night in my new dorm room three years ago. I did not literally cry myself to sleep, because I am not sure I have ever truly done that, but if I were a fan of shameless embellishing I would certainly say I did cry myself to sleep that night. I am not sure there has ever been a moment in my life during which I felt more alone. Little did I know that the following semester would feel very much like that first night in the dorms, no matter how many people I walked past during the day.

Although many die-hard book lovers would have you believe otherwise, no book, no matter how remarkable, can truly quell feelings of loneliness. Try as you might to persuade me to believe otherwise, I know that a book can only temporarily provide relief from emotions we would prefer to feel on an infrequent basis. These emotions are merely being covered by the numbered pages counting down the time it takes for you to find another feeling you do not want to have. Loneliness is a bookmark and you will always find that place again.