As I sit here writing this, I feel as though I could eat three thousand Cadbury Creme Eggs in one sitting.
Since approximately May 25, 2009, I have lost 16 pounds. I still have 17 more pounds to go. Usually I have absolutely no desire to eat anything that I do not believe is good fuel for my body. This week I have consumed beer, pizza, pancakes, and donuts. I was hesitant to drink the beer. I purposely cut my calories down that day so I could consume three beers with little guilt (though it is never truly guilt-free, as I still worry about the damage alcohol will do to my body overall). Pizza is (was?) my favorite food, so I consumed my first piece greedily. I picked up a second piece, counting the calories and frowning, but shoved the crust into my mouth and savored each and every bite that followed. Somehow the pancakes and donuts fell to the pit of my stomach with much less resistance. Mouth. Teeth. Saliva. Falling. Falling. Falling. Plop.
I could not, would not, crave beer. But I could and do crave pizza. And while I never used to crave donuts, I find myself thinking quite frequently about the donuts sitting on top of the microwave in our kitchen.
I am good at refusing to eat these foods. The fact that I ate them does not really bother me. The fact that I wanted to eat them and still want to eat them does bother me. It bothers me perhaps more than it should. I do not want to want them.
Before I decide to delete this post (long pause), I should click "Publish Post" and hope that this served some sort of therapeutic function for me.
Sometimes I wish I could remove my brain long enough to wash off the grime before replacing it and effortlessly enjoying a new day.
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Jessica, please forgive me as I foresee this being a long comment. First, I understand your guilt and/or annoyance for "wanting" to eat foods that seem to provide no nutritional value (or very little). A couple things -- first, there are quite a few books out recently that claim our actual biological craving for these foods is much like an addict's cravings. This is mostly due to addictive substances that are literally planted into fast and processed foods. Also, many foods we've grown up eating have been given a blend of sugars and fats that we have grown accustomed to as part of the Standard American Diet (aptly, "SAD"). The best known book out that discusses this is called, "The End of Overeating" by David Kessler. Second, it's okay to crave foods even if they have little or no nutritional value. It's even okay to eat them, Jessica! We all know that food is much more than simply nutrition (some would argue with me, but i'd slam them with a dissertation-sized speech called "my life experience"). If food were just "fuel," we'd load up our bodies at gas-stations, and not around tables with loved ones. I guess I'm just trying to say, I feel ya. You and I are kindred spirits, so I gather that you are probably just as insanely hard on yourself as I am. So allow me to say that in this case, and in everything, I empathize with you. Truly.
ReplyDeleteLastly, CONGRATS on the 16 pounds! that is such an accomplishment and I know how hard you have worked. Truly admirable!
<3, Annabel